An Open Letter to the 2 Ladies Who Talked About My Team Beside Me

Good day, ladies!
You may not remember me but don’t worry, I can only remember one of you as well. I was the one who sat beside your table at Krispy Kreme in Ayala. I might have been an unfamiliar face to you ladies since you might be new to your respective teams.
I apologize as I did not mean to eavesdrop but your voices were just so loud that I couldn’t help but overhear your conversation.

One of you said that my team was so serious in their warm-ups. That we take all our games “too seriously”.
I will take that as a compliment. Because you see, as an alumnus who helps in their training, I tell them to never let their guards down. I entered an underdog team 5 years ago so I am quite familiar what an underdog team can do. Aside from that, we respect the opposing team’s capability and do not underestimate them which is why we will always take it seriously. We respect ourselves as well as our opponents.

You were bragging of how our team cried after the last game.
Thank you for seeing our hearts. You see, we play as a team. We are not individualistic people once we enter the field. The tears you saw at that moment were tears from players who were scared that they might have not done enough for the team. You may think of it as pathetic and I respect your opinion. You might not be familiar of the feeling, and that’s okay. I hope you will find that niche in your athlete life someday. I tell you, it is one of the best bonds in the world.

You guys were probably new. I hope you will love your respective teams as much as I came to love mine 5 years ago. It might be a once-in-a-year kind of event but the bond you have with your team will hopefully persevere.

2014 in 4 Parts

It’s been a long year and now, it’s coming to an end.

Just like every single person, I have my own list of events that had me thankful for. Events that made me think ‘What the hell was I thinking?‘. Sometimes wherein I’d ask myself, ‘How did I manage all that shit?‘. And events that gave me insights and opened my eyes. These events made me grow into the person that I am at this very moment.

I.
I left the very first job I had since I had to sort out my priorities properly. That was a job that I eventually fell in love with. It was hard not to. That job made me realize how much teaching means to me. Whenever I think of the hours that I have to teach, I feel drained. But when I see my students face-to-face, internalizing the things I taught them, asking questions simply because they’re interested and curious, seeing their faces of elation for eventually understanding a hard exercise, and appreciating the hard work that you put into educating them. Suddenly, the hours seem to fly by like seconds. The minutes doesn’t seem enough.

The best part is in seeing your student grow and knowing that in a way, you had a part in that growth. Because teaching isn’t just in imparting knowledge. It’s also in being someone they can genuinely ask questions to because they’re aware that you’re there to assist them.

II.
Sitting became more bearable. I have never been one to sit and stay just to listen to theories being spoken of. Simply because I know that the practical application of these theories are still a matter of years away. But now, I can sit down for a few hours and listen to theories because I know that the application would follow on shortly. With this being said, I’m simply saying that I managed to keep my ass in one organization. It gave me something to look forward to. It gave me the challenge that I’ve been looking for. It gave me the practical side to all the theories.

It’s not just one organization though — there’s quite a few. The similarity that they all have is that in each one of these organizations, I found friends.

III.
FOUR-PEAT. I have never been prouder of my team. Seeing as each of them grow up even just a little and treating each other as family is more than I could ever ask for. That we all joined the team for different reasons, as different individuals with different personalities and beliefs and yet embracing the individuality is simply beautiful.

Seeing the team as they all went through the try-outs, practices, and games made me feel confident and content. That throughout the ordeal, all of us soon shared the same passion — not just the goal. I was confident that we’d win (we’re talking about my pride as captain here). And at the same time, I was content in knowing that even if we were to lose, we’d be giving our opponent a hard time in doing so.

IV.
I grew up emotionally. I allowed myself to fall blindly and willingly into what I told myself was love for the very first time. Long story short, it didn’t work out. And I guess it was for a reason too. Since I was able to open up that one time, I decided to give it another try. I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t a fluke — a stroke of luck. Thankfully, it led me to who I am with today.

Just as the saying goes, “‘Good-bye‘ is just another way of saying Hello’.” In that good-bye, I found one of the most beautiful hellos I could ever ask for. And in realizing that he was beside me all along made it all the more hilarious.

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Hi. I love you. Goodbye.

Hi.

I remember looking up to you for years. Someone who managed to get along with just about anyone. Who always had something to say when it comes to games or gadgets. You would laugh, eat, and play. Just one of the boys — so typical. Somehow, you made yourself seem infallible to me.

You are unreachable. And that’s how it should always be.

I love you.

It wasn’t romantic. But it seemed to be so you. To not tell me how you feel and just instead act on it. You held my hand and it seemed so right. You weren’t infallible. I realized.

I saw you scared. I saw you angry. I saw how you got pissed with some antics. You weren’t unreachable.

You can play a lot of instruments and have a horrible singing voice but that’s fine. You’re still adorable either way. You slouch when you walk when you should walk straighter, you’d probably feel and look even better.

You never said forever. You would instead say, ‘We still have a lot of days ahead of us.‘ And that didn’t scare me the way forever did.

But I never said the words.

GOODBYE.

I always knew this day would come. I just hoped it didn’t come sooner.

You never held my hand even when we were with friends. You weren’t the most romantic. You would say ‘sorry‘ and I’d somehow acquiesce. But you’ve always done something to make things better. I tried to adjust.

You weren’t brave enough. And so was I.

I was never one for confrontations. But I don’t want to be that person anymore.

I might have loved you. I might have loved the thought of you. Or I might have loved you — plain and simple. It hurts. It had hurt. But it won’t hurt forever. Because on that day, our chapter on my book ended and my story will still go on.

I may not be strong enough to hold on but I’m strong enough to let go knowing that I deserve better.

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Trust Fall

A couple of years back, we had to do an activity. It was called the “Trust Fall”.

The mechanics are simple. You grab a partner, then decide which of you should fall or catch the other. If you’re the one falling, you were supposed to have your back facing the catcher, cross your arms on your chest, and let yourself fall. The catcher would simply make sure you don’t have an impromptu meeting with the floor.

It seemed so easy.

They told us that the same principle applied in the real world. Trust people enough that we are a hundred percent sure that they’d be there to catch us when we fall back.

They never told us that we also need to be strong enough to catch the burden. Because once a person falls back on you, you’re now carrying their burden too.

The catchers don’t tell you that just because they say they’re ready, it doesn’t exactly mean that they’re ready to actually catch you.
Sometimes when we fall, the one to catch us isn’t strong enough. You both then end up getting fall from the hurt.

And the ones that fall? Although they say that they’re ready to fall, it doesn’t exactly mean that they’re ready to actually fall.
They fear that they might be too heavy or that the catcher might be unable to carry their weight.

Some people fall back with their eyes open, not trusting the catcher enough even if the catcher is as ready as they can ever be.

Some people fall back with their eyes closed, trusting the catcher that they’d be ready even if they’re not.

In both scenarios, people get hurt.
The catcher will get hurt since the one falling didn’t trust them enough.
The one falling will get hurt since the catcher lied about being ready.

And in one way or another, we’ve been in both cases. Maybe it’s just a matter of luck. Some people are just lucky enough to fall with their eyes closed towards a catcher who’s ready for them.

And I’m probably one of the unlucky ones.

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Of Rationality and Convenience

As a practical and logical person, I’ve always been the type to view things in such manners. I’m practical in my decisions, and though I seem to make a reckless, impulsive move I still manage to stand back up. Because in reality it had never been reckless in my part. I’ve thought of possible back-up plans to fall back to. But there would always be an exception, right?

Love.

Why? Because it simply contradicts what I believe in.

I encounter various types of couples everyday. My friends, my relatives, those from the books that I read, from the shows that I watch. They all depict the irrationality and the inconvenience that this ‘love’ possesses. And yet I they all have the same reason, no matter what it has the same message but with different wordings:

It doesn’t matter as long as you love the person.’

 This line and these people taught me two things about this messed up thing called ‘love’

Love isn’t rational.
It makes you do things that you would never expect yourself to do. I’ve seen my friends, some strangers even, or siblings become irrational because of their significant others. One look at them and I tell myself ‘I do not want to end up like that.‘ They can’t tell me reasons as to why they do what they do. They find it hard to explain their actions. And to me, that’s terrifying. I’ve always had my reasons. I keep tabs on my emotions when I do something even if it’s for the significant other because I fear of losing myself.

Love isn’t convenient.
If anything, it comes at the most inconvenient time. It messes up with your schedule. And a messed up schedule just doesn’t go well with me all the time. I can be flexible with my plans but it just sometimes leave a bad taste in my mouth. It messes up with your priorities. I’ve heard of people transferring schools or taking up majors simply because their significant other is there too. I will be honest and blunt here but what the actual fuck? Seriously? Sorry, I’m not sorry and I know that it’s your life, so those are all of your choices. But the mere thought of it gives me goosebumps. People who are so willing to risk their future for this significant other leaves me mystified.

Of course, these are all from my point of view.

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